The Ghost Galleon
The Ghost Galleon

Posted by Maggot Man
Released on: 1974

Sigh. I started writing this about five months ago, then got distracted. For five months. So I can't multitask. And I can't prioritize. And I can never complete a thoug—whoa!! Who's that woman—uh, where was I? Yeah, right, I'm missing notes for the middle 2/3rds of the movie. I swear you woulda laughed, you woulda cried, if you're a guy or Rosie O you'da made sure your girlfriend didn't read it out of jealousy-those notes were that funny.

This third entry in what is popularly called (by us, anyways) the Zombie Templer series, in which long dead satanic Templer Knights come back to wreak (or is it reek) havoc, starts out promisingly enough. As in The Blind Dead, we find ourselves immersed in the exciting world of Spanish fashion once again, privy to a photo shoot of bikini clad models guaranteed to make a guy shift uncomfortably in his seat. Unfortunately, the third time is not the charm, at least not in this series.

Having stirred the puerile interests of its puerile viewers (namely us), the movie launches into a plot that makes you wonder how the Spanish discovered the Atlantic, much less the Americas. It seems the heroine in this entry (so labeled because she lives the longest) is embroiled in a highly secretive advertising promotion that matches only the Monica Lewinsky Jenny Craig one for sheer stupidity. She and the world famous sports clothes wizard Harry Tucker (you know him, don't you?) concocted a scheme whereby two of her models take a speedboat off the coast of Spain, pretend to have engine problems, then wait to be picked up by any one of dozens of merchant ships the ply the Atlantic. Ignoring for a moment that you could stand on the bow of their boat and piss to the stern, that they have a leak, and that they are out in the middle of the frickin' Atlantic, do you think running the risk of having 2 of your models getting picked up by a boat load of sailors who've been to sea for months and were beginning to think the cabin boy is hot is a great idea? I don't.

MISSING 2/3RDS OF MOVIE NOTES ALERT!! But I did have scribbling here about the sports clothes line being called Tuckerware—tell me you didn't see that coming. END OF ALERT

One more inconsistency. There's no talk of our Templers being blind this time, no back story about them having their eyes pecked out by crows or burned out by peasants, though when blood and water comes pouring out of their eye sockets (memo to self--invent eye socket tampons) during the pulse-pounding conclusion, it's obvious they ain't candidates for lasik surgury. There's also no babble about how they track down their victims. All I do know is by the end of the movie, I wanted to peck my own eyes out.

Rating: On the Countries with Funny Names Scale (Best equals Turkey, worst equals Democratic People's Republic of Korea), this movie rates a solid Liechtenstein.

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