Posted by Maggot Man
Released on: 2007

Every once in a while a guy gets the itch. He gets anxious, edgy, easily distracted, finds himself willing to settle for a glimpse, as little as an enticing glimpse of That of Which He Lusts For, trolls the Web for sites that offer unsatisfactory peeks at what he really wants. He has an urge unsatisfied, a frustration too long suppressed, and he knows he's gotta do something about it. Yeap, he needs to see a horror film.

So it was with the expectation of getting lucky that I found myself at the Doctor's place one evening in early July. The Diet Mountain Dew was chilled, enticing bags of palate-pleasing Doritoes, and Oreos and M&Ms were placed within easy reach, the lights dimmed, and our movie pimp, YASZ, proffered a seductive little piece he proclaimed had been labeled one of the eight best horror films of 2007 by some film festival or other. I felt like Client 9 with Kristen down to garters.

Then the movie started, and I felt like Client 9's wife, standing shell-shocked next to him as Spitzer made his a contrite chimp face. This movie sucked and not good hundred-dollar-hooker sucked. Why? Well, let's start with the plot.

The movie opens with some guy strapped down, stripped to the waist. Well, stripped to the waist except for his head, which is swathed in bandages. Unfortunately for him, bandages don't stop the sledgehammer that a hooded figure tees off on him with. Next, we follow a High Class Model as she makes the High Class Fashion scene. She imbibes a bit too much of something at a party, a something that drops her, passed out, into the arms of a hooded figure. The model comes to, bound to a gurney in a darkened room. We suffer through a series of little torture vignettes, each more off-putting than the prior one, culminating in the model being forced to chugalug pureed human body parts like a college student doing a beer bong. By now, the model discovered she's not alone as a prisoner-in fact, she hooks up, figuratively and, well, euphemistically, with another torture victim as they are manipulated at every turn by the omniscient hooded figure in his state of some art torture cell/prison. EXCEPT: The other prisoner is the hooded guy's brother, a plot twist our own Doctor was calling back when the model was forced to off her adorable little dog. We learn the hooded brother runs a catering business and gets his jollies voyeuring his younger brother, who in turn gets his jollies pretending to be a fellow prisoner, seducing the women hooded brother has been killing during each victim's ordeal. We further learn these two cutups got their start as teens, when the younger brother was forced to service his mother until he goes over the edge and slips a knife into her while the older brother records all in a series of Kodak moments.

The model's torture tapers off, but not ours. The brothers fall out and a couple detectives get killed and the older brother gets stabbed by the younger brother then comes back to life and dies again and I don't know what else since I'd passed out from the pain by this time. The model gets rescued and goes into therapy, though my advise is that she ask for a refund-as the movie ends, we find out a year has passed (six months if you can read) and she's turned into a torturer-killer herself. In fact, she's the first hooded figure, the one that opened the movie by playing whack-a-mole with a victim. Sequel setup anyone?

Jeez, hasn't the ingenious torture horse done been beaten to death already? I mean, I haven't seen either series but ain't slice and dice been done in Saw and Hostel and dozens of other single noun titled movies in recent years? And it isn't like we have to suspend disbelieve. Disbelief has to be lynched in this movie for anyone to accept it. A New York caterer is both so wealthy and so ingenious that he can hook up his basement with sliding electronic doors and sundry other devices, break into a model's apartment to loot it (and take her little dog Toto, too), spirit away a series of mickeyed women from public events and then get rid of the bodies (uh, maybe you wanna pass on those canap├ęs the caterer brought, Mac)-all without getting caught in the Big Apple. A set of detectives working the case by interviewing the kid brother not only have no problem imposing upon him in a quest to see "The Big Game" on TV, but then surf across the channels to stumble upon one of the duel's snuff films. Not only the knifed old brother but one of the cops, shot after his unfortunate discovery, make encore appearances by rearing up from the apparent dead to get dispatched again. The model can be counted upon to take just about every step the brothers foresaw. And their mother-what did two then-teenaged kids do with their mother's corpse? Like, did no one look for her or were the cops of the time so incompetent that they couldn't pin a murder on 2 middle class adolescents? Michael Jackson's nose looks realistic compared to the plot of this piece, and that Lanphear guy in Rapids a regular Hannibal Lector compared to these clowns.

So anyhow, I left with that itch unsatisfied, nowhere near having my horror Jones sated. Maybe next month. Maybe if I just look at my latest retirement statement...

Rating: My rating on the The Ultimate Answer to The Great Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything Scale (Worst equals 42, best equals 42) 42 (You were expecting 41, maybe?)

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Heh, speaking of "sequel setups that should never be made"... I wonder if Jackhammer Massacre 2 is ever going to be made?

Posted by: DJ I.Z. | 8/24/2008 11:08 PM

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